I have always wondered how it is, to fight with someone so greatly, when you know that the person who you are fighting with, is the one who you love the most. Its painful to have these arguments almost on an everyday basis. You wish that something magical would happen and you could again start experiencing that same warmth and respect for your spouse that you once felt in those initial years of your togetherness.
When two people start living in together, they are bound to have conflicts, but it is important to understand that these conflicts if not resolved can get bigger and bigger leading to a great deal of miscommunication and in turn creating problems in your married life. Life is not smooth for anybody, our attitude and approach to it makes it easy or difficult.
To start helping yourself, look at these steps, may be you can try a few to see how you can save your marriage from getting unhealthy.
First, is to listen. It becomes extremely important in a relationship to lend a listening ear. It makes the other person feel wanted and accepted in your life. Your spouse will also start to develop good self esteem, which will eventually work positively for your marriage. It will also make your spouse feel that he/she is important in your life.
Second, is to talk politely. When there is a difference of opinion, their will be disagreements. Learn to accept that we all are different people with different thought processes. Getting judgmental and reacting will only lead to more discord. Hence, it essential, to tell your spouse politely what you feel and “it is ok” to not have the same thought as that of your partners. This needs to be understood by both individuals to make sure that after the conversation, you can still sit down for a cup of tea, smile at each other and share some pleasant moments.
Third, is to make sure you communicate to your spouse what you feel about that situation instead of staying quiet and experiencing thousands of negative emotions in your head. Ultimately leading to feel miserable and not able to get back to your activities for the day. Eventually also sensing a block when interacting with your loved one.
Fourth, is to jot down your thoughts. There are times, when discussions get so heavy and unhealthy, that it seems impossible to have a decent conversation with your spouse or even letting them know what you feel without hurting the other person. The best thing to do at this point is to let that moment pass and almost immediately, write down what you felt in that situation and what it is that you would want to let your spouse know about that event. Hand it over to your spouse when he/she is also slightly settled, which will help them to receive the message more positively and constructively. By doing this, your spouse will have more “respect” for you as a person
Fifth, is to take some time out. When you know that the situation is getting out of hand, for each others peace, it’s a good practice to stay calm. There is a difference between staying calm and being submissive. Staying calm, we can exercise that consciously, because we do not want to say hurtful things to the person who we love & later regret it. When you take this time out for yourself, make sure you engage in activities that will help you to release your energy positively. It could be as simple as cooking, going for a walk, taking a bath, listening to music, cleaning the house or may be dressing up. Be Mindful of these activities, as they will move you to experiencing some positive emotions. This practice becomes more important for people who tend to lose their temper easily.
Sixth, its important to remember, that the person who you are fighting with is also your soul mate. Try and take control of your emotions than letting the situation take control of the both of you. Their will be times that one of you will have to take a step down, and its fine. It does not make any of you right or wrong. It just shows the respect and love that both of you have for each other.
Seventh, it is also imperative to understand to keep things between the both of you and not let external people get involved. It will just hamper the situation even more. Which will in turn lead to more misunderstandings. It is best to resolve it amongst each other. This again reflects respect and the trust that you have built in your relationship and the fact that you do not have to rely on anyone else to keep your relationship going.
Eighth, faith again plays an important role. Having the faith that things always happen for a reason and if there is love, respect and trust between each other, then your relationship will just grow and get better. Conflicts will not create distance, but will help in becoming more accepting of each others strengths and weaknesses.
If nothing seems to help and you have tried it all, then, there is more work to do. Get in touch with a Counsellor, Therapist, Psychologist, who will help you through your difficult times and equip you with what you need.
It is an important relationship for you, therefore do not let time take over. Deal with it. That will be a brave step to take. Journey towards self awareness and self growth. It does not and will not make you weak to ask for help. Try it today and you will definitely feel proud about yourself.