Part 1 – Negative thinking patterns

Posted on January 27, 2016February 2, 2016 by Zainab

I did not succeed, I am a BIG FAT failure…

Yes, this is what we keep telling ourselves all the time. What happens after that ? We play this one sentence in our minds like how we play our favourite song again & again. Can you imagine, what this could do to us?

It becomes our reality!

We believe that if we do not succeed, We are a total failure. If our marriage was not successful once, it will never be. If we do not get a few dance moves right, we will never be able to learn dancing. If we scream at our child, we will not be a good parent. If we got rejected in our interview, we are not good enough.

All the above thoughts indicate that we are a victims of “All or Nothing thinking”. This is also called Black or White thinking. With this unhelpful thinking pattern, we are unable to see shades of grey that eventually leads to feeling Depressed.

To make sure we do not travel that path, we have to include certain shades of grey in our lives.

I may not have nailed this interview, I can definitely know how to prepare for the next one. I do get angry sometimes, but that does not make me a bad human being. I have had a long break in my career, but that does not stop me from exploring different fields.

Altering our thoughts a bit, brings about a sea change in how we feel about ourselves. Thoughts are the seeds to what we will become.

Help yourself by trying to tweak your thoughts a bit. You will be a witness to a massive change in your mood & you will see how people are attracted towards you because of how you see your life!

This is just one of the many unhelpful thinking styles, stay tuned to my other parts , that will help you identify which thinking style you tilt towards & what you could do about it.

Until then, monitor your thoughts, are you an All or nothing thinker?

‘Let Him Go’

Posted on January 27, 2016January 27, 2016 by Zainab

Letting go – How does one do this?

I woke up to this one, ‘If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.’ What caught my attention is ‘Let him Go’ Imagine if we also looked at life and relationships just like this. Being able to decide what is right & wrong for us. Eventually moving on for something better.

How many of us are able let go? How many of us are able to break the cycle of abuse?

Letting go is the toughest thing to do, because we fear that we will be left alone. We compromise. Sometimes we are ready to even take the abuse, because abuse seems better than being deserted.

Eric Berne, the person who created Transactional Analysis, mentions that “Any kind of stroke is better than no stroke at all.”

Its time to look back at our life & assess, what are the kinds of strokes that we are witnessing day in and day out.

Are WE ready to Let go of a stroke that is negative?

This reminds me of a beautiful quote that I read today, “Last night I lost the world & gained the universe.” – C. JoyBell C.

Only when We let go, will WE attract something bigger & better in our life.

Moving to another country!

Posted on January 26, 2016January 29, 2016 by Zainab

Miss being home? Don’t feel belonged ? Simple things to keep in mind..

If you are missing home, then hats off to your parents, friends & your country who have loved you unconditionally that you are finding it difficult to live without them or get used a life of not having them around you. Parents, take a bow! Good news is that you are and will always be connected to them no matter which part of the world you are in.

It is so ironic, when we are with them, we fail to appreciate what they do for us or even acknowledge their presence sometimes. The minute they are out of sight, it almost becomes impossible to envision a life without them & we start regretting why did I not have some more dinners together, why did I not go out more often, why did I not get back home early to spend some time with my mom & dad, why did I not do some travelling with my parents, why did I have that grumpy face and not talk to them, why??? Yes, it is not easy.

Moving to another country, is definitely not an easy transition. It takes a lot of patience, courage, purpose & motivation to be able to stick on to the place which is not your home & its ok!

There will be days where you will cry yourself to sleep, you will not be able to eat, you would not know where to go, you will find it difficult to use the transit, the weather will not help you at all, talking & understanding different accents may be a challenge or you might experience a culture shock.

Just everything around seems new & difficult. Its is ok! There are people who will adapt without any hassles & there are some who will take longer. It is absolutely fine. We just need to make sure that we are not slipping into a state where we are not able to take control of our emotions.

I am here to help you cope through your difficult time.

Do not be harsh with yourself & stay connected

There must be a great deal of pressure on you, you may not want to feel or look weak in front of your loved ones & it is ok. Having said that, do not stop talking to people who are important in your life. Stay connected to your family & let them know what you feel. You will eventually realize that they will become your strength like they have always been. Speaking to them, will give you the courage to move on & will help you to take every step with great ease.

Take care of yourself

Make sure you are not compromising on your meals and your sleep. If you are used to a certain form of exercise,do not stop. Get yourself enrolled to make sure you are feeling good everyday. It is the small things that you do, which will make you feel better.

Problems in getting used or even understanding how the Transit works?

Its ok! Give yourself sometime. To get used to anything new, takes time. You will miss a few stops, you may also miss your train or bus, you might get into a wrong bus, you might see your bus go by, to just realize that you are standing at a wrong stop. its ok! Do not panic. We all go through this process. Once you know it, you have nailed it. Do not lose hope.

Don’t feel belonged? Feel like shutting yourself somewhere?

Well, they are all humans. Different in a lot of ways, but they all want to be spoken to just like how you would like it. If you are studying, I would suggest you start joining various clubs, this will expose you to different people around you, indirectly it will help you to adjust faster & more effectively.

Fear making mistakes?

You will make mistakes, until you master it! Do not fear. Face them. Take small steps. Once you master one, let that become your motivation & keep moving ahead.

Culture shock?

Different country, different kinds of people, there ought to be differences in the way they speak, the way they interact just like how you find them different, even they find you different.

Feeling inferior?

There is a huge chance that you feel like a ‘nobody’ amongst many. Confidence tends to dip to the lowest point. You would be surprised to know that people around you also feel the same. You are not alone. Each one is trying to come out of that mind space and prove it to themselves.

Unbearable weather conditions?

Yes! this can be quite a challenge. It is important to understand that our emotions are to a large extent connected to the season. If you do not feel good about yourself and to add on to that, the weather conditions are terrible, it will make it all the more difficult for you. It is good to be aware. This is the time to get yourself involved in a lot more activities and keep yourself busy.

It is not easy & I do understand that. If you do feel the need to talk to someone about your challenges feel free to call me +1 647 939 1730. If you find it difficult to call me, leave me an email – zainablehry@gmail.com, I will be more than happy to help you through this process.

I am sure there are many of you who have been through this situation, please do comment and let us know what has helped you the most to deal with your transition.

Aging Parents?

Posted on January 26, 2016January 29, 2016 by Zainab

5 ways to take care of your parents in their old age

“Parents”, the word by itself brings about a number of emotions. We may fight with them all the time and may not agree with their decisions, but when someone else says something about them, we can get furious, possessive & extremely defensive. That is “our love” for them that speaks volumes. Some of us are blessed to have both our parents by our side during our growing up years. While we are growing up and trying to understand how things function around us, we know that we can always rely on our parents. We will make mistakes, but our parents tell us, “its ok”, we are there for you. That, itself gives us a sense of peace and comfort.

Most of us consider our parents as our “role models”. If you suddenly see them not functioning the way they used to, it can create a lot of discomfort within us.

It is important to understand, as humans, we need to feel occupied and useful. What we do, that brings in a sense of accomplishment. When we are young, everything seems perfect. We have a job, financially secure, children to look after & energy to socialize.

What happens when we retire, children have become independent & we do not have the energy that we did once, to move around and socialize. We need to understand that we are not going to live forever. Death is a certain.

How can we as children foresee what will happen to our parents in their old age, just as how parents foresee our future and guide us through with their experiences. Don’t we as children feel the need to do our bit for them?

Meaningful life

The first thing that we can do for our parents is to make sure they feel useful in their old age. They need to have a purpose. They need to have a meaningful life. Letting them stay with us, can do a great deal of help to them, psychologically. They feel wanted in the house, they feel that as grandparents, they need to guide their grand children too. This gives them a sense of purpose to live. They feel a sense of pride to see their children do so well for themselves. Getting them involved in our decisions, or going to them for ideas, subtly helps them feel useful.

Helping them be Independent

Second, if our parents are living independently, but are now contemplating to move into a retirement house, because they cannot manage a few things at home, as they are getting old. It is a good idea to think of ways of how you can equip them to stay in their own comfort zone. May be take a place closer to theirs, which will help us to take care of their needs, or we could arrange for some extra help to make sure they are comfortable. ‘Nothing like being in our space.’ Especially when they must have attached so many emotions to their house. Also, being in their own house, helps them be more active, where they are able to do small things by themselves, and not depend on anybody. This will keep them physically and mentally fit. It also makes them not get obligated to us, this again gives them a sense of independence.

Dealing with death of spouse

Third, old age is unreliable, we never know what can happen when. For our parents to deal with the death of their spouse can be very difficult. They spend so many years together, sharing every single moment of their life and now suddenly to lose them can be very devastating. This is the time that our parent will require us and our support. Be there. Keep talking to them. They need to speak to someone. Nothing better than their own child.

Help them channelize their emotions

Fourth, like we cannot avoid old age, we cannot also avoid, going through mixed emotions at this point. Their will be times, when our parents will not be in the best of moods. They may snap or get angry for things which are very small. Stay calm. Only they know what they are feeling. That is why, it becomes important for us to keep in mind the first step, that is helping them to feel useful. You will indirectly will be helping them to channelize their emotions constructively.

Socializing

Fifth, it is also a useful idea to involve our parents in social activities. Getting them into different clubs where they can spend their time doing different activities that they are interested in, which they never got the time to be involved in before. Seeing themselves develop their hobbies will give them a sense of accomplishment. It is important to structure their time, this will help in keeping them physically and psychologically healthy.

Old age can be overwhelming to experience and to observe someone close to you lose control. There is help for people who are getting old and for people who are taking care of their parents.

Reach out. Call us at +1 647 939 1730. You do not want to miss anything that can help you and your parents. You can speak to experts. Get in touch with a Counsellor or Psychologists now!

Giving Each Other Some Space

Posted on January 23, 2016January 28, 2016 by Zainab

Space Is The key To A Healthy Relationship

We keep listening to the word ‘Space’ all the time. Do we know what it actually means? Why is it so important to give each other space in a relationship? Why is it that we get married or stay with each other under the same roof, if we have to give space to each other?

Well, any relationship, whether you stay together or not, goes through its ups & downs. Challenges come and go, its about how we handle it. Issues are handled better when you are able to respect the fact that the other person may not want you around all the time & that definitely does not mean that your partner does not love you or care for you.

Let’s look at some ways which will help you to give your partner some space.

Does your world revolve around your spouse?

It is important to understand that we cannot be hovering over our partners all the time. It is nice to feel wanted but not to an extent that the other person gets suffocated around us. A healthy distance between partners will only help in growing the relationship even more.

Have you identified your purpose in life?

When I speak about purpose, what I mean is that our purpose cannot be our spouse. Many of us, when we get married, tend to leave everything that we have been doing before, that gave our life a direction.

How would you rate your self esteem?

Does your self – esteem depend on your spouse? If your spouse does not talk to you, do you feel rejected, unwanted, not loved? If your spouse is not communicating with you, the reason may not always be you. Right? Think about it.

Your skill becomes your strength

Do not let your skills wash away with time. These skills later on become your purpose, your strength.

Where does your happiness lie?

Does your happiness lie in keeping your spouse happy all the time? Do you see yourself happy only when your spouse is happy with you? Happiness, needs to come from within. If you have some skills, they become your strength, automatically it adds to your self esteem. Ending up in your happiness.When you are happy, you will be able to even make your relationship healthy.

How well connected are you with your friends?

It is imperative to have friends around. Do not lose touch. Friends are the ones who will help you feel lighter and feel better about what you are doing in life.

Are you someone who cries at a drop of a hat?

Do you see yourself crying a great deal after being in a relationship? Do you feel sad and upset most of the times? If yes, its time to lift yourself up, and only you can do it. Start discovering yourself. Ask yourself questions. What is it that you love to do the most? Can you learn something new? Can you revive a skill that have been forgotten?

It is essential to find our meaning in life. Our life cannot and should not revolve around any one person. Yes, you do have people in your life who are important to you but what is the point, if your actions do not make the other person happy or keep your relationship healthy.

Therefore, we need to build our own identity. Find something to do which will help you create a healthy space between you & your partner. This will bring you self – confidence and eventually it will end up in keeping your marriage healthy.

Do share with us about what you think about ‘giving space to your partner’ & what is it that you do to keep your relationship healthy?

Powerful Tips To Keep You Happy Everyday

Posted on January 22, 2016 by Zainab

How to enjoy each day to the fullest.

We all have challenges, strength lies in how we can manage to sail through them with a smile on our face. You will find a few very simple and easy things below that you could do to feel better, healthier & happier.

Alone time with your cup of Tea!

There is nothing like indulging yourself with that one cup of tea in the morning. This is the time to de-stress yourself & ponder over all your thoughts & feel fresh and energetic for your day ahead.

Write down your experiences

It is a good idea to have someone with you at all time, where you can pour your thoughts & feelings down without having to be judged for what you feel and think. This is your space and time to vent out. Writing helps in releasing locked up emotions from your body.

Reading

Finding your corner & not having to worry about the world around you can be absolutely blissful. Reading what you would enjoy would be the most appropriate activity which will directly transport you into a different world. For sometime it keeps you away from the challenges that you have been facing.

Chatting with a friend

To be able to have good friends around you is always a blessing. Friends who you connect with most definitely will give you joy & peace. Talking to friends help you understand their perspective.

Listening to music

Music, is another source of peace. It can be extremely therapeutic. Research shows that music helps in elevating your mood which naturally helps you to uplift your day.

It is extremely important to find out what helps you to feel good and happy. Nothing comes easy in life. You have to pick yourself at the end of the day and move on. Why not move on with a smile?

Let us know by commenting below, what are the activities that you like to indulge in that helps you feel better. We would love to hear back from you.

Feeling low? What to do?

Posted on January 21, 2016January 28, 2016 by Zainab

2 quick ways to feeling happy!

The best of the best people, who look very strong and have proved it time and again, fall short of their coping mechanisms. We all at some point in our life feel extremely low and want to bury ourselves in some remote place, never to be noticed again.

Having said that, it is ok to not be happy all the time. I completely understand that we experience some troubling times in our life. It could be our job, spouse, family, children, parents or friends. I, being a Counsellor, slip into the mode of Feeling low too. What do we do about it? How do we get out of that mode?

We all have the innate potential to take care of ourselves

Let’s start with what we can do to help ourselves and feel in control of our emotions even when we are feeling low because as humans we do

have the potential to bounce back. The reason I say “control” is because we do not want to get to a point where we lose ourselves. Coming back from that space, gets a little difficult, if we do not have the right help & support.

Talk to Yourself

First step, Self- Talk, I tell myself, “Its is ok for me to feel low, sad, negative, it does not make me incapable or incompetent. I have done brilliant things in the past, this ‘situation’ cannot wear me down”. When I say this to myself, I feel an instant relief, it makes me more confident about who I am. I, almost immediately feel a gush of energy entering my body. Sometimes, saying it just once, does not help, we need to say it so many times that we believe it, because that is our truth. When I first tried it, I found it so silly, but the trick is to keep saying it, till you feel good. When you reach that point, you will wonder why people do not try ‘Self talk’.

Physical Activity

Second, Act, we need to remember when we do not feel good about ourselves, we tend to drown into ‘unrealistic thinking’, which gets us both mentally & physically tired. Therefore, to release that negative energy from your body, it becomes important to get involved in some physical activity. This will instantaneously help you release those negative emotions through your body. Physical activities can include anything from cleaning, cooking a dish, washing clothes, arranging your cupboard, going for a walk, swimming, taking a good long bath etc. Basically, the trick is to get yourself occupied doing something else that is more pleasurable for you. That automatically sets you off in a ‘good mood’.

Even to be able to do the above two things, we all need to have the basic drive to take care of ourselves. If you find yourself, lacking the motivation to even try anything by yourself, if you feel you do not have any support around you. If you feel low on energy, not able to sleep, not able to eat. Please do not hesitate to get in touch with a professional to guide you through.

There is help, you just need to reach out to it. You are not alone in this. Call us today @ +1 (647) 939 1730.

Stay tuned for my next blog that talks about Unhelpful thinking styles. This will be a place where you could know more about yourself!

I am sure we all have our own ways of coping in difficult situations, comment below and tell us what do you do to make sure you do not slip into the mode of helplessness. Your comments will help others to try what you do & who knows, you may be helping someone with your ideas to handle their life better. Help someone today!

Most Effective Ways To Manage Your Life After A Break Up

Posted on January 19, 2016February 2, 2016 by Zainab

How to get yourself back!

I do my thing

And you do your thing.

I am not in this world to live up to your expectations

And you are not in this world to live up to mine.

You are you and I am I

And if by chance

we find each other, its beautiful

if not, it cannot be helped.

-Fritz pearls (1893-1970)

Gestalt prayer.

Harsh lines!? not the best thing to hear. But quite a reality. I have been a biggest fan of these lines, since the time I have known of them, but whenever it is time to follow, it takes a lot of energy and intrinsic motivation to be able to follow it through & through. It is very difficult to not expect from people who are close to us. When you expect, it may not be taken the right way and when you don’t expect, the other person might feel you are not committed as they are in the relationship. Confusing right? So, what are you supposed to do? How do you attach and detach at the same time?

I have come to believe that maintaining & keeping relationships is an art. Not all of us are born with it. That’s why I say, it is hard work for a few of us. I include myself in it. While you are trying to handle and maintain relationships around you, trying to come out of a broken one can be quite a nightmare.

From having spent a great deal of time with each other, sharing moments, updating status messages, sharing pictures with each other on social media, having to be found together always, getting into every coffee shop and restaurants in the town, travelling together, invited together, so many common friends, talking and texting almost throughout the day and suddenly to wake up to not having any of it. This can be devastating, depressing & frustrating.

Symptoms that you will experience

You are not able to fall asleep, once you do get some sleep, you cannot wake up, not able to eat or eating too much, crying all the time, staying at home all the time, not socializing, unable to concentrate at work, getting angry very easily, ignoring family and friends who are trying to help, switching off your phone, not taking care of yourself, stopped exercising, lost interest in activities that you enjoyed doing before, making excuses to not attend a function & the list continues.

Can’t stop

You are just not used to doing anything without each other, so even though you know it is over, but you do not want to believe that, you will still try and constantly message and call the other person. You still feel things can get back to normal.

You are in stage 1 – Denial. Read my blog on Grief work, it will help you to understand which stage you are in.

When the break up is mutual, it is difficult, but not devastating. When the decision is only from one person, that’s when it can get miserable for the other person.

It is Normal

This is an extremely normal grieving process. You have lost a relationship, not easy to move on and be functioning like before. Having said that, you do also know, that you have to get back to your routine at some point, what if you try consciously to take care of yourself and get out of that zone of feeling low?

Feeling low, makes a person lose interest in anything and everything. Therefore, it becomes important to create a routine, which will guide you through, whenever you are ready & the earlier the better.

Its important to note, sometimes the best in us comes out in the worst situation.

Here are a list of powerful ‘Counselling interventions’ that you can start using today!

Sweat it out!

First, start exercising. There is so much energy in the body at this point, that you need the right way to channelize that energy. Exercise is a good way to release Dopamine, a chemical that plays a role in keeping you happy. Apart from helping you stay in a good mood, exercise will help to be less stressed, it will keep you energized & it will boost your confidence levels by making you feel good about yourself.

Eat & Sleep well

Second, the trick is to start exercising, once you start, you automatically feel hungry and tired, which will help you to fall asleep during the nights. Hence, food and sleep is taken care of.

Rebound Relationships

Third, after a break up, this is the time that you are most vulnerable. You are drawn towards other people and you also tend to make new relationships really soon. STOP! Is what you need to tell yourselves, it could be a Rebound. You are not really in love and you are just trying to fill that empty space. A lot of marriages are a result of a break up which is not a beneficial situation to be in. Stay alert and try to be fair to yourself & the other person.

Come out of your comfort zone

Fourth, do not lock yourself up. It is extremely important to continue socializing, if you want to get back and move on, talking to people, staying around a bunch of positive people, it all makes a difference to how you can feel at the end of the day.

Do something different

Fifth, engage in your passion. Try to do what you love to the most by thinking of things that you have failed to do in the past for any reason. Now is the time to start cultivating that one skill that you always wanted to work on. Engaging in your favourite activities can make you feel happy and confident about yourself.

Talk to people

Sixth, the most important one is to remember, you are not alone in this. Talking helps to let your thoughts and feelings out, which eventually makes you feel that you are not alone in this. Especially communicating with people who also have gone through similar situations, can be of great help during your difficult times. Hence, this will help you understand what they have done to keep themselves strong.

Pour your thoughts down

Seventh, it is also a good idea to practice writing about how you feel in this situation. It is important to vent and let your feelings out. You could be feeling ‘Anger’, which needs to come out, anger is an healthy emotion if channelized in the right way. By putting your feelings down, you are helping yourself to not act destructively with them.

Which one will you choose to help yourself today? Write your thoughts down and let us know.

Call us!

Eighth, if you still feel you are not able to get back to your routine. You find yourself struggling with day to day activities. Do not waste your time. You may need professional intervention. Call us at +1 (647) 939 1730. We will be more than happy to help you.

I’ll go to the gym tomorrow

Posted on January 18, 2016January 28, 2016 by Zainab

Feeling lazy yet again?

Does this statement, sound familiar?! So many of us, use this one line quite often as an excuse to bail ourselves out. I do feel that when we say I’ll go tomorrow, we sincerely do mean that we will go to the gym the next day, and then we are again tired, we have had a long day, it’s winter, its going to be a pain to get all the layers off, change into gym clothes, I want to go with my friends for coffee etc. etc. At some point we all have been through this phase.

These thoughts take us a step back, and we almost immediately decide not to go. How do we beat this? What can we do to not let these thoughts take over and be a block between us and our weight loss? Our thoughts can get very dangerous for us. It can either get us to do things or completely take us away from your goal. At this point, it is imperative to understand what motivation is, and the two parts of it.

Motivation, which is divided into Extrinsic & Intrinsic motivation. Extrinsic motivation is when something external motivates us to do something. We would want to exercise to fit into our new clothes, we would want to look good, we would want to gain some appreciation from our friends or it could be to impress our partner/spouse or may be we want to attend a party & we want to look our best. It could be anything that motivates us externally to achieve our goal. Extrinsic motivation is also very helpful when we want to make our goals permanent. We just need a kick start to achieve it.

We need to remember that, this can be very temporary for some people. Once we do get that appreciation or fit into our best pair of jeans, we may not want to get back to exercising. We may feel very bored to do the same thing again & again. Especially when we have achieved what we wanted.

This is when, we get to, Intrinsic motivation. When we are motivated internally. Here we need no clothes, no external figures for whom we are doing anything. If we are losing weight, we are doing it because we want to do it. What can be interesting to watch is, when we begin by being motivated externally & that ultimately it becomes our internal motivation too. That’s an ideal situation! We all want to be there.

Let’s see what we can do to help ourselves to not say I’ll go tomorrow.

First, ask ourselves some questions. This is our foundation. Don’t skip this one. Why do we want to exercise? What is it that we want to achieve? Once we achieve it, how would we feel? After we have reached our goal, what will we do next? What time during the day would be convenient for us to exercise? What would be the duration for which we would want to exercise everyday.

These are questions that are very important for us to know, so that when we lapse, we are answerable to ourselves & no one else. Also, when we write it down, it gets clearer to us, and we have something to refer to all times.

Second, is consistency, we need to make sure till exercise becomes a habit and we cannot live without it, we need to follow our timings quite religiously. Consistency in our schedule will take us a long way.

Third, if our reason to go to the gym is to lose weight, then we have to know what to eat and what not to. Diet, plays an important role in helping us to achieve our goal faster. Seek professional help here, if you have to.

Fourth, Distractors. We will come across a bundle of distractors along the way. They can all meet us just when it is time to enter the gym. We need to fight them all. Distractors will take us away from achieving our goal. So now to be one step ahead of them, we will also along with all the questions that we have jotted down from our first step, we will write down all our distractors that we are likely to encounter along the way, and which will stop us from achieving our goal. For example:

I feel lazy today
I exercised for 2 hrs yesterday, I can skip it today
I want to go home and sleep
I am so tired
I want to go out with my friends….

The list can go on, till we finish putting in all that can distract us. The reason we write all of them down is so that when they land right in our face, we smile at them and tell them, We know what ‘you’ are going to do, but we will not allow it. Walk right past them and enter your place of exercise. Once we do that, we pat on our back! Well done!

Fifth, goal achieved, once we are able to walk past, we know that our intrinsic motivation has come into play & now we do not have to worry about I’ll go tomorrow.

Try following these five steps & see if these help ‘you’ achieve what you want to. If you still find it difficult to follow these steps, feel free to chat with me , I will help you.

How to deal with the Death of a loved one?

Posted on January 14, 2016January 28, 2016 by Zainab

Lost someone close to you?

I learnt about Alan Rickman’s death recently, I have not known much about him, but having read all what people have to say about him, got me to read a lot more. While I was browsing through, I realized, death of a loved one is so difficult to deal with. I do not think that we ever get over the loss, but what we do is, that we try and re-adjust our lives, our relationships without that person around us. Only because, we do not have a choice.

Dealing with the loss of a loved one is never easy nor will it ever get easy. We need to find hope, courage, patience that will pull us through these difficult times.

A grieving process involves 5 stages, which we experience while going through with the loss. These 5 stages may not happen in order as I write, or we may not even go through all of them. Having said that, it is important to be aware of these because it is normal to feel any of them. It also becomes easy when you see someone else grieve and then you instantly realize that it is ok to experience what they are feeling. Understanding and knowing about these stages is our first step to awareness.

Denial, at this stage, our life without our loved one seems meaningless. We are in a state of shock and are not able think rationally about anything around us. World, seems overwhelming. It is so difficult to decipher anything that is happening to us. In a way, it is beneficial that we are not able to comprehend things, because genuinely we are not in the right state of mind & it is ok.

Anger, in this stage, we start experiencing anger. We are just about angry with anything and everything around us. Anger streams in because the one who we loved so much, is now not there, that person has left us. We feel abandoned, we feel deserted, we feel cheated. Anger is a very surface level emotion that we feel. Within this is pain. That pain gets us angry. That pain gets so deep within us that it gets out of control. Sometimes this anger is diverted to someone who is around us. It could be a friend, family member or could be just someone who is supporting us through these times & it is ok.

Bargaining, after the burst of anger that we have gone through, we feel so tired, that we now start negotiating in our minds. We tell ourselves, ‘What if, I started praying 5 times in the day, will I get my husband back’, or ‘Only if, I lived an honest life, I would not have lost my baby today.’ We start experiencing these dialogues, time in again to get back our loved ones. We wish we could get through the maze and get our loved one back into our lives and start fresh once again & it is ok.

Depression, as we go deeper & deeper into feeling this pain, we hit our lowest. We are so tired contemplating, fighting, getting angry that we are not able to push ourselves anymore and we break down & it is ok. This is not a sign of mental illness. These are normal and natural stages of grieving. If you do not experience them, that is when it will be a problem.

Acceptance, we confuse this stage to feeling that now everything is ok, and it will all be the way it used to be. NO! We get to this stage when we learn how to cope with the loss of the loved one and how to re-organize ourselves back into society and also to be able to handle our own emotions in a better way.

We need to give grief its own time.

My husband told me once, we can have the entire world supporting us, but what we are going through is only our struggle. At that point, I thought to myself, that is not the nicest thing to say, but that is true. It is only ‘our’ struggle & we need to fight it.

To help ourselves, its important to keep talking about our loved one, we do not have to bury our feelings and hide them in some corner of our heart. Speak, the more we talk about our loved one, the more will we keep that person alive, not just in our mind & heart, but in others too.

One last thing, do not make death your reason to speak about the person you love the most. Express what you feel and let them know how important and significant they are in your life. If you are reading this, then do it today. Do it now. Good luck!

If you do need any further guidance or support, you just need to ask for it & you will have it.